here it comes [30 Sep 2007|10:56pm] my desperate attempts to contact the source of all my despair has led me here to the dreams of walter the nihilist. The voyeur of my nightmares. He holds the black clouds over my indecisive mind and pulls me to apathy rather than bipolarity. Despite the sound of it all it's actually a splended feeling. And I just can't decide yet on any specific place that I would like to reside I said "I work in the city" and I know I should have tried a little harder to lie but the city is unknown So's the county and the zip code cause they're both in my mind I live on 123 fake street my numbers 000-111-2345 fvck yourself

[27 Jul 2007|10:34am] I noticed a boy swallowing embers. Orange light glowed from beneath his clothes and spoke. "Acryllic villain! I can't stare back at you, I don't know how. I'm feeling fine, I can't cut it out, give me something to cry about, please give me something to cry about. fvck yourself

[12 Jun 2007|01:35pm] they call me king of wine and candlelight. My crown is chasing me, I'm gonna run till I bleed I'm gonna swim till I sink. fvck yourself

negatives. [17 May 2007|11:45am] I'm a slug and your salt. Fighting cools me down & i'm entirely Independant. Your fear of never being famous is spawned of your inability to accept reality. I have stopped dreaming, and begun to live, emralds within reach calling down the glowing heat and capturing it in bursts of bright red irate energy capsule driven bracketed vessle, lead me to fire-crafted eyes, you can't fit jewels into old scars. I am crazy, murdering and murdered. I am lousy, pathetic, selfish and vain, I am a product of pure, uncensored, pornographic flashing images you recall to excuse your own failure. Fuck you as in "fuck off" or "eat shit". I hope being "big" is enough to compensate for the fact your a poor excuse for a human being. I enjoy the rage and shaking, the fists and teeth clenched linked to you recalling my smile, because you've turned me over, kid. I'm not listening, when I did all I got was shit. I get the feeling I'm feeding myself to an infinite negative when i look into your drowning face. Orgasms are cheap, trite, pleasures surrounded by unavoidable tendancies yet i'm required to floss every morning and safety pin my dick shut, because our opinions surrounding the subject differ from one another. I suppose you see The Nasty as a sacred ritual, sun gods scratch your number in stone and cast judging eyes onto you. This has been the last 2 minutes i'll ever waste on any drunkie, coke head, whore ever again, Sure i was wrong, and excuse me for being so sexually agressive, but hey, like I said, i'm fucking crazy. fvck yourself

[15 May 2007|06:33pm] I'm moving to California, this school quarter is almost over and when it is I'm going to keep saving up and working full time then just transfer stores to San francisco. I've got 600 bucks so far, just a few more paychecks and i'll be ready. Fuck you washington. 6 days until people fly & fvck yourself

choose a choice. [20 Feb 2007|09:33am] Questions run like thin liquid down the side of my lip and dribble to the floor before i can ask them, because whats the fucking use, honestly. All I wanted was that sting, for the golden teeth of satan to dig into the fleshiest part of my thigh and rip out a chunk. Each individual section of my being is geared toward destroying you and everything you love. I am a villain caped in your raw, bloody flesh, mocking your posture and moans. Whilst inside of that short amount of time I felt life slowly leaking from you, from you and down onto the floor into the cracks of the cement all the way down past the crust of the Earth, and if at that moment had someone aquired the proper goggles they would have seen the pale glow on the western coast. Clouds stalk the city and drape it in black, you stalk and strike like a thundercloud and cast wicked rays of venomous seductive scent straight past my eyeballs and into my occipital brain tissue staining it indigo and feverous. It tasted like a horror film projected onto white ceilings, watched from red-silk love seats bolted to the wall, the door is open, whispers are flooding in too faint to make out a sentance, few intact words reach my ears and the only one i remembered was "love". I knew it was a mistake when i made it, I know the longer you leave a scab alone the more it hurts when you rip right off again. I just don't give a fuck, theres no time left for me, us, your on your way to that silver rally of snakes and tamborines, midnight spells and black magic I'll never understand, bibles are written by you two about me and burned together in a fire of laughter and infinite rage. Mindfucking yourself on the dirty bus across the empty flat wasteland between two trash cities to see "God". Together your so intricately connected so godamn tightly weaved you couldn't fit a pencil between you, too tightly wound to just "fuck", it's that long dry swallow after a day without water. watering plants, planting, painting, prancing, faggot ass nancing around like a little bitch with pigtails, happy halloween, thanksgiving, and christmas all in one I'll see you next year, maybe i'll show up with a fancy tie on and blades coming out of my tits. fvck yourself

Macaroni salad never tasted so good [08 Feb 2007|08:10pm] You reached in with your fingers all caked with blood and crossed the wires in my brain. Dirty and violent but with a pale glow, like a run down truck stop on the moon, hidden in the corner of a dingy basement. Lost in a malevolent cloud, Unidentified Fucking Objects. fvck yourself

[11 Jan 2007|03:13am] All i ask is that every once in a while you pull me out of your little jar and set me back up on your nightstand, so i can serenade you again. I never sang a song for you that I didn't feel boiling in my stomache first, begging to pour out in waves of crooked sound. The false notes rang true regardless of law, because love saturated the air and your ears. I miss the frale structures of mutual concepts floating above our heads as we walked aimlessly together. Up, there is that halo of tree's we grew with our lips and in fall it revealed it's bones, but we had only shaken, there was no autumn. We believed it was dead and so we burned it, and with a strong grip the roots wrap around my brain tissue. There are still verses I'd written while at sea, waiting crash into familiar shore. They were written in hopes of being the beginning of our lips moving again, and the dust falling off our unused eyes. Even now after I've walked with you again I keep them deep in my pocket, and now it seems they will stay there forever, eating away at my jeans Until every verse is a reflection of an empty shell, until every clumsy note i strum falls to the floor and shadders. I will never fly again. I am chained to an old tree and the only sonnets from me come in the shape of a raindrop, and all i can fucking taste is salt. fvck yourself

intangible tumors [10 Jan 2007|02:55am] you vomit sentances at me that stick and eat away at my euphoric ignorance. this is just another wave like all the others sent to smooth out my edges until i'm a bland rounded pebble you can hold in your hand. I'm crawling out of the ocean and clinging to my asymmetry. The closest thing i have to love is a viral edge that eats away at organ tissue. Sometimes i wonder if my rough texture is a false trait i've fabricated, only becuase i wanted to branch off on my own. Rather than reinforcing the upward rising trunk i've grown out crooked and curved down. i don't give a fuck . I've got leaves sprouting out of me and withering away in the shapes of ideas i planted five minutes ago, and now time is moving to quickly to capture the seasons. I dreamt up a narcissistic nihilist and played it out on paper because i can't imagine myself outside the walls i've built around me. fvck yourself

[04 Jan 2007|03:54am] now i will announce my departure from this miserable prison you built around my already damaged self image. At the end of the day all you are is a little bit more unecessary distortion in the bathroom mirror, in my strands of thought, in my stupid fucking songs. .two wolves with two faces each have appeared twice in two seperate dreams. 2 days until people fly & fvck yourself

Conor O [31 Dec 2006|01:01pm] the fragile keep secrets gathered in pockets and they’ll sell them for nothing a cheap watch or locket that kind of gold washes off and the sad act like lepers they stick to the shadows they long to ring bells of warning to tell of their coming so that the pure can shut their doors and the angry are animals senseless and savage they act without order in logical lapses they stain their mouths with blood so take my hand this barren land is alive tonight and the corn has grown stalks that form a wall too high but the wind carries sounds that I can't see from beyond that line then the stalks begin to sway oh, stay with me Arienette until the wolves are away well, the wicked are vultures and they bake in the canyons they circle in sunlight and wait for their victims to collapse and call to them the desperate are water they’ll run down forever as they soak into silence, mend up together in a dark and distant dark and distant place so don't leave me here with only mirrors watching me this house it holds nothing but the memories and the moon it leaves silver but never sleep and then the silver turns to gray oh, stay with me Arienette until the wolves are away fvck yourself

hiding in the shade. [20 Dec 2006|10:40am] without work there is no structure to my life, nothing to look forward to and nothing to feel accomplished about. No raw daily experience to convert into creative energy, nothing to reflect on, nothing new to learn. I've always been 90% percent dreams and 10% reality, but today i'm drowning in longing, lonelyness, and fear. My heart aches and it's her behind her own imaginary wall scratching at the glass, staring straight into me. I can't get any closer and i can't move any further away, I'm just stuck where i am with everything on the tip of my tongue and i just bite it over and over to keep myself from fucking up and blurting out what i want to say, what i should say, what i need to say. There is a reason I'm still here in limbo, playing tag, because it's as close as i can get, and that's where i always am, as close as i can possibly be to her. Maybe your just the closest thing to what i want that i've seen so far, maybe your just the ghost of the girl of my dreams, maybe i'm just a fucking idiot and all i'm doing is drooling over smoke and mirrors, and behind it all your a big elaborate maze that has no end. Maybe inside your the same as me, and the only way you know how to love is to destroy. fvck yourself

how the fuck am i supposed to sleep. [16 Dec 2006|12:47pm] my thoughts are gripped around your ghost. your at sea and i'm still standing on the beach waving .holding you is like tipping an empty bottle upside down and shaking it. for 18 months i was starved but chose to feel nothing, now in one moment my apathy dissolved. Though i'm holding you, you might as well be on fucking Jupiter. Right then every part of me that had longed to wrap my arms around you was flooded with light, time blinked it's wicked eye for a single second and my chains fell, every part of me was free and I could fall into space if it wasn't for your hands. All I want is more. I wish I could say what i wanted to, I wish you were here on earth, I wish you were docked in northwest america, small town, coffee shop, a full pack of cigarettes and my guts on the table. No, the good old days will always stay deep in my pockets, i'll die with these secrets. 1 days until people fly & fvck yourself

Erased [02 Dec 2006|01:22am] i've become nothing more than a stepping stone. I've lost my identity, my dreams, my mind. I'm always after something that i can't pin down, not a person but more of a feeling i get, sometimes i get real real close, but i'm never there. I'm up to it's gates in full armor, storming the towers alone, slaughtering slut after slut after slut, becoming sluttier and sluttier and sluttier. Searching for what i want most in people i despise. Gathering more mediocrities at every turn and wading in their bullshit up to my knees. I don't know who i want. I don't know who i am. I don't know who i want to be, and i don't care right now, I just want to forget, forget everything. I want to run as far away as i possibly can and drown myself in alcohol until i'm somebody else, I don't care who. "I guess your kindof truth, is just the ghost of your lies I guess your kidnof truth, is just the ghost of your lies. yeah your kindof truth darling, is just the ghost of your lies. I see through them all the time. so i'm pouring some whiskey, i'm gonna get drunk yeah i'm pouring some whiskey i'm gonna get real fucking drunk i'm pouring some whiskey right now i'm gonna get so so drunk, that i pass out and forget your face. by the time i wake up." 1 days until people fly & fvck yourself

Alien [27 Nov 2006|08:24am] shooting at the moon, chasing ghosts, and walking backwards, swimming in outer space. Following you nowhere, absorbing your chaos like fresh blood and licking my fangs with a smile. The war in my nightmares is fought with those i love, and i love the suffering. your beautiful in that way that you look dead inside, and everything you say is cold, in that way that you are free of caring or suffering, because your made of stone and pass right through the ash snapshots of all the dramatic, moronic, fear-driven, humans reaching out just to touch you. I envy your heartless vessel carved out of artificial flesh and draped in the aura of indigo retina's. Bleeding honey that tastes like ash from your scalp in long blonde strands. When we moved to doctor Jim stalmburg he is not a trampoline, I devised a plan that would infect millions. Give me a flashlight and two tits and i can make a shadow puppet show about two gigantic mountains made of jello during an earthquake. give me a salamander and i'll swallow it and puke it back up and shuv it up my ass, pull it out and eat it again. I want a milkshake and a burrito chewed by a bulemic wood pecker, to run down my throat and into my belly like hot steaming cum. so much cum it floods the hallways of the capitol buildings on the tallest hills. so much cum that it floods all the way to heavens gates and every angel is pregnant with a bull-headed infant demon. they are born smoking cigarettes and twisting out thick wicked strains of laughter. I am a watermelon. I am a baffling muffler full of truffles, spitting chocolate at the frowning children standing in lines with AK's sipping their tippy cups full of hair, fingernails, and cow vomit. Yesterday is a microchip imbedded in your lips, still tingling and sending electric waves through my head from the lipstick stains on my neck. The fountain of strawberry juice for the rich ones. A bum is up shit creek without a paddle, a priest lives in a pent house on bullshit boulevard without a clue. A doctor carves his name in the lives he's saved in the shape of practiced incisions. I am the architecht of my dreams and there is no money used to build them, no power, love, or religion. I am a black-hole in the middle of a forehead. I am anti-matter, i am angelic and satanic at the same time. I am burgundy, half polyester half plastic and resting on a pleather cushion from 1999 that's absorbed the oil from the skin of a fried food binging, endomorphic, half-cup of salt. when you step outside the exo-skeleton it's shape is shaddered and then recaptured when you return, when you pull off your dramatic mask it's much less disgusting. Then we took the train to a new sun, after arriving it was clear to me there are no more green eyed families or intestines. Who took the typo-writer to america and starved? Who stood on the edge of a ship and stared at the stars while below them everyone they loved was drowning? Who can capture smoke and fuck it? fvck yourself

[20 Nov 2006|05:41am] like two pieces of string our lips can be where our ends meet and inbetween the sheets we're tied together perfectly. 2 days until people fly & fvck yourself

[17 Nov 2006|09:53am] I smuggle my dreams into the working world in a satchel held under my arm. When the others turn around I pull down the zipper and bury my head inside. Where as the world cannot fit inbetween two covers, mine can, and it will. fvck yourself

[14 Nov 2006|12:13am] I think i'm going to go back to school soon. my dad says he'll pay for my tuition if i buy the books, cause that's what he did for my sister. It's important that i get some kind of good paying job so i think i'm just going to suck it up and start going. I'll just take some Information Technology program or something like that, from what i hear it's easy enough. ps./ I want a fucking car . fvck yourself

Macaroni salad [10 Nov 2006|11:37am] you dirty dirty dirty dirty monkey you dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty monkey. you filthy, vile, wretched, degenerate, miserable monkey you dirty dirty dirty monkey i really have nothing to say I don't even know why i'm on here. fvck yourself

[24 Oct 2006|08:54am] this is my inferiority complex, my ego defense, my self loathing and my jealousy speaking. This is my drug addiction my self destruction and my wavering emotion taking hold and spewing out the thick black oil in my heart. "let it be. let it be." I spent alot of time and money trying to drink, snort, fuck and smoke you away. Don't make it worse than it already is, just leave me alone. 3 days until people fly & fvck yourself

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